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Civilization: Roleplaying

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 Me First Roleplay :D

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Pottle
Newbie Noob
Pottle


Number of posts : 7
Age : 30
Location : Belfast, Northern Ireland
Registration date : 2007-12-15

Me First Roleplay :D Empty
PostSubject: Me First Roleplay :D   Me First Roleplay :D Icon_minitimeWed Dec 19, 2007 6:52 pm

Demons:

A man stood in the centre of a large cavern. His body was covered in large purple bruises and his skin was an eerie green colour. The cave was dark all around except for a small candle he held carefully in his hand. He was limping down the passageway, his eyes staring far ahead, searching for the hidden object.

Suddenly he spotted it. Up ahead at the end of the passageway stood a black lectern, at the top of the lectern a head was mounted. But this head was not one of an animal or a human. It had 2 horns stretching up and reaching back around the desk. It had large red eyes that had over time faded but still managed to strike fear into mens hearts. Its teeth were pointed and curved. No, this was no head of an animal or a human; but a Demon.

The man hobbled over to the lectern and delicately touched the book that lay upon it. A few tears escaped from his eyes as he finally found his treasure. He opened it slowly and carefully and began to read. He read every word twice taking in as much as he could before turning and facing the wall.

"Oh Great Demons, hear my call." He began, moving his hand up slowly and holding his palms towards the roof of the cavern "I, Thinoi, offer myself to you" He finished. Although little did he know what he had set into motion. The wall in front of him opened up and a purple aura exploded out around him. When it flowed back in to the opening, Thinoi was gone and the opening closed.

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A Figure stood in the centre of a large cave, although cave-like in appearance. It was not a normal cave. The walls were blood-red and a blood-like liquid pooled on the floor. In the centre was a stalactite that had been hollowed out and filled with pure water. The figure stared into this.

The pool of water had special qualities. It allowed the user to stare into different parts and times of the Earth. The Figure was staring intently into this, searching for something within.

Suddenly a bright yellow colour emitted from the water and the figure smiled. He turned and stared at the wall. Suddenly a door opened and out came a young boy, Small in stature but clearly stronger than any normal boy could be. The figure walked over and touched the boys head Demon of Wrath It said quietly You shall go to Earth and live amongst the people. When you come of age you will rise up and kill them all. The figure smiled viciously Your new name shall be Karasis. Now go. Show them your Fury. It finished as it touched the wall and opened a portal that emitted a purple aura. The boy went through and was s(uk)ed in by it.

Egypt: 3467 BC

Several men sat in a circle; they were slowly passing around a water-skin. Suddenly a man in a leather tunic walked up to them, his face contorted with Anger Who said you slaves could rest! he shouted as he cracked his whip. Suddenly the ground underneath the Slave-driver opened up and he was s(uk)ed into the purple aura within. A hand grasped the side of the hole and pulled itself out. The small boy lay on the side of the hole, panting heavily. The slaves were staring at him in awe.

This is the beginning of Wrath.

'Tis already up on RSF if anybody wishes to join Very Happy
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magikchicken
Newbie Noob
magikchicken


Number of posts : 10
Age : 32
Registration date : 2007-12-19

Me First Roleplay :D Empty
PostSubject: Re: Me First Roleplay :D   Me First Roleplay :D Icon_minitimeThu Dec 20, 2007 5:52 pm

Nice, intriguing and promising in terms of plotline. Descriptive, too.

Only a small part I had a comment on:
[QUOTE=Pottle]Suddenly a bright yellow colour emitted from the water and the figure smiled. He turned and stared at the wall. Suddenly a door opened and out came a young boy, Small in stature but clearly stronger than any normal boy could be. The figure walked over and touched the boys head Demon of Wrath It said quietly You shall go to Earth and live amongst the people. When you come of age you will rise up and kill them all. The figure smiled viciously Your new name shall be Karasis. Now go. Show them your Fury. It finished as it touched the wall and opened a portal that emitted a purple aura. The boy went through and was s(uk)ed in by it.[/QUOTE]

First of all, the use of the word 'suddenly' to start two different sentences is slightly hard to read, and otherwise this needs maybe to be split into two paragraphs, with not as many periods. Wink
Mostly just readability, the intro is fine!

~magik~
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